fatist

Colored Tights at Lane Bryant

2011-08-10T12:36:00.000-07:00

Went to LB last night to look for some purple tights for costume. They didn't have much to choose from but a sales associate asked what I was looking for and brought out a PILE of colored tights that were marked down from $26.95 (I think) to $4.99 and $9.99!!! I got 4 pairs (magenta, purple, textured black and gray, and gray footless) for the regular price of one. I don't know if this is stuff that they are about to put out on clearance but if you like colored tights/hose you MUST not miss this!

Skinny Friends

2011-07-22T22:59:00.000-07:00

I've always had skinny friends. I don't just mean I've always been the fattest in the group, I mean the majority of my very close female friends throughout the years have been the type of figure that most women "hate" for their good fortune.
Sometimes it's easier being friends with a skinny woman who has other big people in her life whom she loves, than a self-loathing big woman. Come to think of it, every skinny friend I've ever had has a plus sized maternal figure in their lives. On the other hand, some of the large women I've been close to couldn't see an ounce of pride in their body type.

Discuss.

google+

2011-07-22T22:34:00.000-07:00

so, if I post here does it automatically google+ it?

slow and steady wins the race but makes me wanna punch thru a computer monitor.

2011-04-14T16:16:00.000-07:00

I've lost almost 20 pounds. I can not stress enough how pissed I am that I still have to say almost. I've gotten .2 lbs away from hitting that benchmark. I'm working out now, and I suppose building muscle, but lord it's frustrating. I'm of course so thrilled to say that I am nearly 20 full pounds lighter, but I still have a long way to go. And I can't seem to stay on that road. gah!!!

Weight Watchers Update #2

2011-01-31T18:20:00.000-08:00

I've lost something like six pounds, but today I actually believed the scale. I have lost a significant amount of weight twice in my life, and now that I am on that track again, I can say that the first real change in my body that I notice when I lose weight is when it becomes easier to put on jeans fresh out of the dryer. Less tugging and bending, more hugging and buttoning.

I have a small goal for my first three months, but it is definitely not my long term goal. Truth be told, I am unsure what my long term goal is. I suppose it should be something like, "To not be obese or even overweight anymore." But I've seriously grown in to my skin as Fat Girl. No pun intended. I feel like part of my identity and the things I care about have to do with being a plus size woman and loving myself because of it. I barely believe that I will ever be a size that will allow me to shop in the randomest of boutiques. It makes me sad to think that I would be a size that would make me blend in that much.

My point being, where does it end? At the weight the BMI chart says I should be? Or at the weight when I was my happiest with my body?

Weight Watchers Update #1

2011-01-18T20:56:00.000-08:00

Week one is over. I've lost 3.2 pounds- pretty proud. I had a really tough weekend because it was my birthday weekend and I went out to eat or drink every day over a three day weekend.
The program is really forgiving- I get a real kick out of it. There is tons of room for little treats, and I don't feel obligated to exercise in order to achieve results. But if I DO exercise, it's like getting extra credit.

I think overall I need to lose something like 150 pounds. The program had me set a goal of 10% of my weight, so that's a shorter goal of between 25-30.

My attitude change is surprising to even me. I find myself thinking and saying encouraging things about my hurdles. I thought it would be hell. I thought I would hate it. I think the nature of the program is playing in to a competitive side of me. I want to win the game- like Foursquare. I have to enter all the food I eat in to the site and it keeps totals of my points used. Of course, I could cheat and not add something in, but I'm only cheating myself, and it will show on the scale. Not to take this to a silly level, but a phrase that Jay-Z said once sticks with me in this situation- "Men lie, women lie, numbers don't." I can lie all I want to myself, but I'll be the only one to suffer.

Even though I feel like right now I hate exercise, there are active things that I want to participate in SO BADLY, but I can't do them until I lose weight. So, instead of feeling depressed by that (even though it's probably not true!), I feel excited about it. Some of these activities are rollerskating, hiking, and SCUBA DIVING! I've been on two cruises now and each time I've wished to go, but I can't because my weight makes it too dangerous.

Motivation Badge, unlocked.

Weight Watchers

2011-01-12T18:25:00.000-08:00

Last night was the first time I've ever spent my birthday alone. I had a really good day at work- my coworkers decorated my office and took me out to lunch, but my family and close friend live far away so the "party" isn't until this weekend.

So I found myself barbecuing and drinking wine. It was a nice night. I got pretty drunk though. And before I went to bed, I decided to join Weight Watchers.

I had been thinking about it for awhile, but my birthday is a good time to start because it's at the beginning of the year without seeming cliche, like a resolution.

I'm nervous, but it's been fun so far. I like entering the data and finding out what points value certain foods have.

But, I haven't even gotten through a day yet.

Wish me luck.

No Sugar Added Genius, Part 1

2010-11-24T12:22:00.000-08:00

My boyfriend was diagnosed with type II diabetes fairly early in to our relationship. At first, I was dejected at the idea that I couldn't bake for him anymore. Over the last year or so, I've been discovering more ways to replace sugary ingredients in recipes in order to make them ideal for his diet restrictions. I get even more pleasure in creating these desserts and dishes now, since it's a bigger challenge and requires more creativity and research.
It's usually pretty easy to replace sugar in a recipe with whatever your substitute of choice is. I prefer Splenda for the time being. However, I often meet sweet recipes that call for brown sugar, which is an entirely different sort of flavor. After some experimenting with pies and a NSA cranberry sauce, I've the perfect solution! Sugar-free maple syrup. For the amount of brown sugar that a recipe calls for, I add one part syrup and one part Splenda to get the brown sugary flavor. I'm very happy with it.

McRib

2010-11-08T14:55:00.000-08:00

Damnit. Like three people at work saw me eating a McRib for lunch. I tried to sneak in the back but then a bunch of people came in my office. Normally it wouldn't be a problem, but now I can't eat the healthy lunch that I was going to have for afternoon snack too.

Give and Get is Here!

2010-11-08T10:48:00.000-08:00

Give and Get is Here!: "Enjoy 30% off from November 11-14 at Gap, Banana Republic and Old Navy plus we'll make a 5% donation to a non-profit."

Boycott Marie Claire

2010-10-27T15:51:00.000-07:00

The magazine Marie Claire recently published an article called "Should Fatties Get a Room (Even on TV)?", and I am SHOCKED and APPALLED at the garbage that was published in this item. Luckily, it found its way to my eyes by way of Jezebel and not on it's own. I still have a mind to send the editor a letter and join the other voices who have been scarred and offended by Maura Kelly's words. I'm glad that by the time I read it, there was already an uproar against this hateful article and the author had issued an apology. It's hard to believe that they would let a recovering anorexic write a review of a show about plus-size people. It's even harder to believe that something would go under the radar of their editors while so many media outlets are starting anti-bullying campaigns of their own. hate-speech should not be tolerated, whether it is against someone for their sexual orientation, skin color, gender, or anything else.
I feel like fat-hate is the last frontier for un-PC talk. This should not go on any longer.

New Job Lamenting

2010-08-24T16:18:00.001-07:00

I got a new job. It fucking rocks. I love it so much I want to marry it. I'm a baller and The Boss and all that good stuff. I even have an OFFICE, though I share it with my assistant (whom I'd like to share this blog with someday..) On a social level, my new job is amazing because everyone is nice and mostly friendly to this new fat girl in their office.
But let's face it, there's always a few moments in a new environment that us fat people come up against.
-Free Lunch: the biggest problem in the world. god. it's like, you see food in the conference room at like 11:30am, when you are fucking RAVENOUS and the first thought is "Score! Free lunch." But jesus, who wants to be the fat girl who always asks about the leftover food in the break room? ME! Usually I don't give a shit, but these people dont know me yet. Can't be the stereotype yet. Had to wait until someone offered it. Longest 12 minutes of my life.

-Chairs and Desks: I got SOOO lucky with my chair at this office; it's super comfy and wide for my . But it creaks, and the desk creaks. Every little adjustment and scoot I make sounds like a fucking haunted house. I lean on the desk because I get so damn excited about my work that I have to lean in to it (don't you?). So I lean back and same thing. So embarrassing.

OMG, as I was writing this my coworker came in and was munching on some sliced apples. I don't know if I was like staring down his snack, cuz he offered me one. HAHAHA! Can I ever stop using my fat kid side of the brain? lord...

Anyway, I'm starving, so I'll catch up with you later.

Is Being Fat Keeping Me From Getting that Dream Job?

2010-07-06T23:01:00.000-07:00

Of all the things I've been depressed about in my life, the eternal job search is such a unique beast. I count myself among the millions of people who find themselves jobless. It's totally unfair for me to say this, because technically, I am employed. I work part-time at a radio station. The shit part of it all is that I LOVE my job. I meet so many interesting people, I accomplish things I am proud of, I am in the middle of exciting things happening all the time, and I am constantly learning from people around me and above me. Plus, no one cares that (nay, people LIKE that) I have a large tattoo on my left forearm, and I sometimes have pink highlights in my hair. However, I can't afford rent. On the part-time money I make at this job, I simply can not support myself. For some time I rejected the idea of getting an additional job because I am in a long-distance relationship and it would be impossible to see each other on weekends if I am busy slinging coffee or folding polo shirts for $8/hour. But now I am desperate, and I can't get a bite on any lines I put out for additional part time work. Needless to say, I need full time work like I need air to breathe now.

I have been on five job interviews in the last month and a half. Not bad, about one interview per week. I haven't gotten a definite "no" on the latest one, but I've gotten my hopes up way too many times to be caring too much right now. The seriously disturbing part is that all but one have been WITHIN my company. You always hear these nightmares about people feeling like they clinched an interview and then some internal idiot from another department snatches up the coveted position. I am that internal person, yet NO success yet! I know I haven't been serious about this for too very long, but I've been with the company for over 3 years now and I need some insight as to what is holding me back.

I constantly question whether my weight is some kind of lingering subconscious factor that negates my good qualities enough to take me out of the running for these positions. Not only do I have to shine through my appearance, but it's been difficult to dress my best for these opportunities because a lot of my business type outfits just don't fit anymore. I am down to one pencil skirt and a shrug style black jacket that I pair with a loud blouse and some funky accessory. Actually, on this latest interview, I was able to squeeze in to a white button up blouse and a gray and pink sweater vest- I think I'll give this combination a few good runs as well. But it feels so lousy when I am trying to psych myself up for a confident interview, and my old go-to black blazer doesnt fit anymore.

So, am I holding myself back because I talk myself in to believing all the interviews see is bulk?

Cross your fingers for me for the job I'm waiting to hear back about...

Stress vs. Depressed

2010-03-09T13:44:00.001-08:00

Some weeks ago my therapist asked me (through the course of me talking about my poor eating habits), if I was stress eating. When she put a label on it like that, it felt weird- a combination of relief that there was a reason I couldn’t get myself to eat healthy, and panic that I was actually doing it. Since then I find myself horribly empowered to eat whatever I want because, I tell myself, “I’m stressed.” I always convince myself that I’m running late, or that I need something ultra convenient, or that I just have to put something in my stomach so I won’t get a headache or be cranky, particularly around my boyfriend. In the morning I convince myself that I don’t have five minutes to sit down and eat a bowl of cereal, and that it is somehow quicker to stop at 7-11 or Carl’s Jr. or McDonald’s. For the same reason, that I don’t have time to make a healthy lunch, so I promise myself I’ll go to Subway but then I go to somewhere terrible. I’ve been spending $6-$10 a day on lunch 2-3 times a week. I should be conserving this cash. Evenings are the WORST. With my job and my social life (they overlap, sometimes I can’t tell which is which) I am often not sure what my plans will be after work. I live very far away from my work and most of my social activities, so I usually have to stay at work until an event starts. I have to find myself some dinner in the meantime, and I almost never pick a healthy option. Even worse, I often drag my friends or coworkers in to wasting their money and getting dinner. Misery loves to have dinner with friends. Weekends are just as challenging. My boyfriend comes to visit, and we love food and are constantly trying all these new places together. When I lived in a neighborhood closer to LA, we realized that in a year we had never gone to dinner at the same place twice. This is exciting as a “foodie”, but really terrible for my health.

Lately though, it’s been getting more intense. This is more than stress eating. This is depressed eating. Some things at my job have taken a turn for the uncertain, and I’m handling it by stuffing my face. I relate all too well to the addicts on the show “Intervention” on A&E- with food instead of drugs. I eat to feel better, to balance out, to calm myself down, to distract myself, to feel happy, to feel rewarded. I think I described to someone as, “When the tummy is full, the soul is full.” What a dark place.

Technorati Tags: overeating,depressed

Inklings of an Empire

2010-03-02T11:46:00.000-08:00

I'm starting my business. And by starting, I mean I'm not even planting seeds yet. I'm doing research, planning my garden, checking my resources. brainstorming, jotting down ideas, using my friends as a sounding board...it's all positive.

First thing is first- check out a pair of adorable Kenzie wedges I'm selling on ebay!

Fashion-Forward

2010-01-05T16:12:00.000-08:00

I am pretty sure I am not the first person to think of this, but I was very impressed with myself for doing it.

I couldn't decide between a necklace or a pin for my outfit today, so I put the pin ON the necklace for an extra gaudy, Betset Johnson-esque look to my outfit!

I was a little shy about it first, but I am ROCKING IT!

Central Coast Surfboards

2009-12-12T18:46:00.000-08:00

I just had a really positive shopping experience I have to share! I often overlook surf shops because their cute girl gear never fits plus sizes, even if they stock XL stuff. I just shopped at Central Coast Surfboards in San Luis Obispo, Ca, and I found a super cute purple tee that fits, in size large! Check out their online store (or stop in if you are in the area!) for some cute surfer girl shirts that you can rock!!

Just Stunning

2009-12-12T16:06:00.000-08:00

Last night was my boyfriend's company holiday party. He works in radio too, and I am friends with a handful of people he works with, so I was really looking forward to it. A few days ago he called and said one woman I hadn't met yet who is about our age is plus-sized and couldn't wait to meet me to talk about fashion and shopping (let's call her Jane). I was very flattered but felt tons of pressure! I keep stalling when it was time to get ready and even playfully suggested that we shouldn't go. My nature is to be overly worried about what people think of me, probably because of my weight. I wore
the dress pictured, from Mode Plus, black leggings, sparkly zebra print flats, and a black headband with a big fat bow. Also, right now my bangs are red for the holiday season! I don't believe I am fashion-forward, but I know I felt hot and that I would stand out.

(Before I go any further, I don't know if said my boyfriend's name yet, so until I know if he cares if I use his name, I'll call him Teddy.)

So we finally get there and he made me feel very good by showing me off for awhile. I looked around and couldn't decide which one was Jane, because there were lots of very pretty plus-sized girls there. He eventually introduced me to Jane and her friend, um, Sara. Jane quickly told me how she was dying to share a particular story with about shopping for an outfit to suit this very occasion. In the area where they live, there is such a small selection of stores that might have a dress which would fit us plus size ladies, let alone have a selection big enough to find "the perfect one." It's heartbreaking. Only recently has there opened an Old Navy and a department-store sized Forever 21 store has opened up with a decent section of the Faith 21 (XL, 1X and 2x. I thought XL=1X, but maybe it's a cute way for F21 to keep our confidence up. good job, F21.) I used to live there myself and resigned myself to online shopping if I really cared what I looked like.
Sadly, Jane hadn't even heard that the new F21 had plus sizes. She found herself in Macy's, and experienced my WORST fear in shopping. As she was looking around, a sales clerk approached her and asked, "aren't you a little big for this section?" OH GOD! I felt so mortified for her. If that had happened to me, the sales clerk would have my fist-sized hole in her head.
Anyway, this instantly bonded us as if we had gone to war together. Not in the you-later-find-out-we-were-gay-lovers-during-the-war kind of way, but in the Forrest Gump/Bubba-but-if-Bubba-had-lived-and-they-actually-started-a-shrimping-bidness-together way.

I spoke with a handful of other women that night and the conversations kept flowing towards fashion. Do I always talk about this? Just when I'm drunk? what's the deal? One in particular had worked in fashion before and was raving about a local vintage clothing store. I lamented that I avoided vintage stores because of the usual lack of plus-sizes available, and said that it was my one of my many pipe dreams to open a plus-size vintage/secondhand clothing store. This is real, guys. I want to do this. I think about how much clothes (this is a grammatical conundrum) I pass on to Goodwill that I could lot together and sell on ebay or something.

We eventually moved to the bar of the place hosting the party. As we were leaving the bar at the end of the night, a woman stopped me and said, "I'm sorry to bother you but I just had to tell you- You are JUST STUNNING."

OMG!!!!!!!!!

I don't care if she was gay or straight (she saw my with my boyfriend, so she certainly wasn't hitting on me), that was one of the coolest things to ever happen to me!! What an amazing night.

You know you're a fat kid when...

2009-12-03T21:57:00.000-08:00

I have this terrible habit of grocery shopping when I'm hungry. Not only do I buy more than I should, but I will always buy something to eat on the drive home. If I am almost done shopping and I don't have something I can reach in to when I get to the car, I will pick something out. Oh god, it's so embarrassing to admit! I can't deny it though. I do have the excuse that it's only if I've gone to the store on an empty stomach. Very poor idea. Everything looks tasty! Must avoid this practice to save money and calories.
Tonight I stopped by Fresh and Easy, which I LOVE! All the extra cheap deals are right up my alley. I stocked up on lunches for work, and got some lean meat and salad for dinner. I was going to get some tomato and basil veggie chips for snacks, when low and behold an individually sized carrot cake for $0.99 caught my eye. Oh the shame!!! Carrot cake is my absolute favorite. I'm such a sucker for it. Not the best I've had (I prefer it with raisins but no nuts, it had neither), but the frosting was perfect and cream cheesy.
I definitely need to practice saying no to that crap. There's no other trick to it.

You can call me fat anytime

2009-11-30T16:02:00.000-08:00

I hate this blog. It's so boring. Why would anyone want to read an exercise journal? That's another reason I never post. Even if I am doing well with going to the gym, how interesting can it be to read about going to the gym every so often. Super boring.

Currently re-thinking my motivation for this blog. I'm not ashamed of being fat like so many large people are. I feel confident about the way I look and the lifestyle I have. I love food and I love talking about dining out and and cooking and baking. I love big guys, especially my 5XL boyfriend. I admire plus-size models because they are voluptuously sexy and they make me more confident about my body, unlike standard fashion models who make regular woman ashamed of their bodies.

I know I need to be fit and I'm not abandoning that idea. I think it's possible to be fit and fat. I have a few pounds to lose to get back down to a size 18, which is where I am very comfortable.

I want to blog about the things that fat people care about. Food, clothes, sex, relationships, technology, music, and everything else that the rest of the world cares about. Just, I want to talk about it in a way that doesn't make us ashamed of our appearance.

Love yourselves so you can love each other, people.

No Excuse

2009-10-26T20:40:00.000-07:00

It's Monday night. Week 2. I don't feel like going to the gym. I just, don't, feel, like, going. Terrible. Last week, on the days that I got myself to go, I was in the mindset all day. I went home with the intention of leaving soon again to the gym. I haven't really thought about it at all today. Well, it's still early. Kind of. But the TV is on. So I'm basically doomed.

Day Three

2009-10-22T12:51:00.000-07:00

What is it about day 3 of a new health regime? When I'm starting a new exercise program, day 3 has been the HARDEST to overcome. Ever since I've gotten my new gym mebership, I have this unshakeable vicious pattern of going to the gym twice and then stopping for another two-three weeks. What is my psychology behind this phenomenon?
I've heard every piece of weight-loss advice out there, or at least some version of it. I know I need to exercise 3-5 times a week. In the past, I though I shouldn't go two days in a row, let my muscles rest (sweet excuse, right?). Eventually I figured out that I was setting a trap for myself with that because it was an excuse and prevented me from having flexibility in my schedule while being strict. However, I will still put it off. "Oh, I didnt make it to the gym tonight. It's ok, it's Monday, I can just go Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday." Also, I am somehow AFRAID of becoming one of "those people who go to the gym everyday/all the time." I hope that makes you laugh. It makes me laugh. I'm never going to be obsessive about going to the gym. Even if I were capable of being an exercise freak, I don't think I have it within me to take it to a level that is dangerous for my body. This is so hilariously weird to write, because it's such an improbability!

A few weeks ago I started a (temporary) new position at my job that is 40 hours per week. This feels amazing, but definitely kicked the crap out of my exercise motivation while I was training. Thankfully, this week I am back in action.

Yesterday was Day 3. And I WENT to the gym. Feels awesome.

Now, I'm going to try and go everyday. Even weekends. Because let's face it- that's not actually going to happen. But maybe the days in between will start to help. Baby steps.

Ball and Chain

2009-09-24T09:30:00.000-07:00

It's not going well.

I can't say why, but I'm not doing it. I have an irregular schedule, but my gym is open 24 hours. When I tell myself to go to the gym, I just feel this lead weight on me, preventing me from getting up. I wish I had the boldness to promote this blog so that I could have some of you tell me you know the feeling, and what it takes to get over it. I'm just embarrassed. That was the point of the blog, right? To keep me in check? I'm so lost. I keep telling myself excuses, like, "If only I had a trainer to motivate me," "Well, I can't afford Weight Watchers, so I'll never be able to keep my eating controlled," or, "It'll just make me late for work."
Such sorry excuses.

However, something started happening that terrifies me. My body hurts from carrying all this weight around. My feet mostly. They hurt every morning. I used to think it had something to do with the type of carpet in my house. But I wear flat shoes all the time, and now they hurt after sitting extended periods of time at my desk. I limp around when I get up. This shouldn't be happening to me! I'm 25 years old! I might be able to justify it in another 20 years. For now, it just makes me feel like I'm cursing myself to an early death.

I have to have a different mindset about the gym in order to go. Yesterday I finally went to the gym for the second time in two weeks. I decided two things: I would keep the workout simple so that I didn't feel like I was spending too much time there. It's such a demotivator to feel like I wake up with only enough time to get ready in the morning and dont have two hours to do the type of workout I like to do. Usually I will warm up for 10 minutes, stretch, cardio another 20 minutes, do some strength training, then if I have time, maybe 10-20 more minutes of cardio. This isnt working. The other thing that seems to be the biggest demotivator is the scale. Im not going shed pounds right away. Seeing no weight loss or weight gain even every time I go to the gym is hitting me adding more weight to the ball and chain that keeps me away. I want results, but I need patience. Time I've got, but not patience.

New plan: 30 minutes on the treadmill, stretch, and leave. That puts me there for 40 minutes, 45 tops. As far as the scale is concerned, I am not going to weigh in every time. Now I will only weigh in every fifth time.

I just need to find the right formula. I'm actually really going to the gym right now. Let's see if I can keep this up!

Torrid- Free Makeup!!!

2009-09-18T15:21:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to share this- from @Torrid_divas on Twitter:

Visit ur local Torrid TODAY and name ONE of our 2009 House of Dreams winners to receive a FREE make up item*!!! http://ow.ly/piCq

I clicked the link to see what the asterisk was about, but it just leads to their store finder site. I'm guessing it's with purchase.

Next week is their House of Dreams 2009 Model Search event. I'm trying to find out about tickets, but it seems they are only for giveaway.

Frequency of Posts

2009-09-16T16:19:00.001-07:00

If I haven't posted, it's because I'm being bad. I am avoiding the one thing I want to use to keep me accountable.

And I just had a piece of cake. I dont know where it came from, but it was in the kitchen right by my desk. It says, "Go Raiders!"

I wasn't going to have any, but I waited so long to heat up my Lean Pocket Pizza Sub, and I was famished by the time I did. The cake was staring at me while I waited for the microwave to finish.

One layer Chocolate cake with green and yellow frosting. What would you have done?

Stress Eating

2009-09-11T14:46:00.000-07:00

It's been a tough week. I'm not going to lie, if food is put in front of my face, I'm eating it. It makes me feel better.
Only one indulgence so far. Other than that, it's all food I packed for myself. I am the queen of leftovers and frozen food.
1 bowl of honey nut cheerios/nonfat milk
handful of grapes
1 Large mug of coffee, lotsa splenda, and a teaspoon of Hazelnut creamer.

Half of a shrimp burrito (beans and shrimp only, from what I can taste :/ haha, this was my sister's leftovers)
1 large banana
1 can Coke Zero
1 box of Lean Gourmet Pizza rolls

gahhhhhhhhh

And ONE DELISHUS CUPCAKE.

I want this!!!

2009-09-02T11:37:00.000-07:00

Oh Evans! I want to shop your clothes so bad but I am afraid of international charges....
Anyway this plus-size clothing retailer in London has some killer stuff, including a line from Beth Ditto, the gorgeous and obviously multi-talented lead singer of Gossip.

Work is the biggest temptation

2009-09-01T13:17:00.000-07:00

I parked two floors down on the parking garage and took the stairs when I got to work today. I felt pretty badass. I know it's not a big deal, but a step in the right direction.
My office rewarded my effort with TWO free lunch options today. Goopy, saucy pastas, or several mixed salads. I didn't hear about the salad first, unfortunately, so I had about a cup total of pasta, then grabbed a plateful of different salads. I feel a little guilty about the pasta. Sometimes I count myself lucky to not work during morning hours. From what I hear there are constantly bagels, donuts, and the like, being brought around. Yesterday, there was a BIG chocolaty cake around. I hid from it.
Also, I brought a nice fruit salad- strawberries, cantaloupe, and watermelon, to curb any vending machine cravings.

*sigh* wish me luck.

Goals

2009-08-31T22:49:00.000-07:00

For New Year's, I'll be going on the first cruise I've ever gone on. My boyfriend's father is planning it, and it's supposed to be a little surprise, so I am not completely sure where we'll be going, but the word is, probably Mexico.
I've said out loud a few times that I want to lose 50 pounds before the cruise. Sadly, there just isn't enough time to accomplish this. Optimistically, it's possible to lose about 35. Realistically, I would be happy to lose 30-35.
That's around 10 pounds a month.
Tomorrow is September 1st. Very convenient to "start a diet" on the first day of a period of time (year/month/week).
I have already set one reward for the first 10 pounds- a haircut. I don't actually spend a lot of money on haircuts, so it's not about money- it's about confidence. When I look good, I feel good. If I can crank off the first ten pounds, I can boost my confidence to keep going. Should I set each goal now or wait til I hit the first goal? What other kinds of non-food rewards can I use to motivate me? Clothes? Shoes? Bags? Maybe.

Today I looked at some pictures from the past two weekends. I look great, really great- but definitely FULLER than I've ever seen myself. It was the same effect as seeing someone I hadn't seen in five years who had gained weight. Definitely noticeable. As much as I want to say this picture just looks bad because of the angle of my head, it doesn't matter. I know how big I've gotten.

*Deep breath*

October 1st, I you shall see me ten pounds lighter. Excuse me, I have an appointment to make with a stylist.

I want this!!

2009-08-25T02:30:00.001-07:00

Plaid Checkered Halter

I love anything that is remotely Bettie Page or pin-up looking. Plaid is SOOOO in right now. I kind of hate it, because I want it all to myself. But whatever. I'll take it, fave mall store!!

Something I wanted to eat today but didn't

2009-08-25T02:29:00.001-07:00

Hawaiian Punch

This was in our "outside fridge", leftover from a barbecue for my sister's 20th birthday party last weekend. I wanted one so bad. But I have been pretty good about not drinking empty calories. I HAVE to use little rules like that as much as I can.
SO fruity and juicy. I want it so bad. But I said no. 200 Calories closer to my goal weight.

One day at a time

2009-08-25T02:27:00.002-07:00

Last week I decided to plan my life one day at a time, and that simple fact would help me lose weight.
It's hard! it's effing hard. Sometimes my weeks are just planned for me. My job is largely based on event planning, and when I have to go to events all the time, it's hard to eat right AND it's hard to work out. I leave work around 6, go to an event to make sure it's running smoothly, and by the time I'm done with that, I'm STARVING. I stop and get some food somewhere. That means I'm getting fast food several nights a week. I also travel a LOT. Not the world, mind you. I'm in a long distance relationship. We see each other almost every weekend. It's great, I appreciate it, we are making it work. But that means most weekends feel like mini vacations to me. and like most people, I over do it on vacation. Every time we see each other, it's like, oh we never get to go to this one restaurant together, let's go there! We dine out more often than not. We're supposed to be encouraging each other to eat healthy, but we're just not on the same page of what eating healthy means, or what we're comfortable with on that subject. Last weekend we were in Las Vegas for my job. Busride there and back, buffet, and dinner with cousins= a very guilty weekend. And I only worked out twice last week. And not very vigorously. This comign weekend we are actually taking a real weekend trip together up the coast. That just means more vacation-indulging and ignoring my health. I need to be able to travel AND follow a weight-loss diet.

On top of that, I've been sick. In the past two years, every time I get 3-4 weeks into working up a momentum of exercising regularly, I get some kind of violent cold or flu. Does this make sense to anyone? At first I thought I probably pick it up touching all the equipment at the gym, but it happened when I was just doing laps on a track and the park, too. So, what gives?

I have therapy tomorrow. It's been a good week with my boyfriend, so I don't need to hash out our latest fight. I'm scared to talk to my therapist about my eating habits. It's embarrassing. How could she understand? My relationship with my boyfriend sometimes thrives on our mutual indulgence. It's enabling. Like on Intervention. But with food instead of meth. So scary, but at the same time, it always feels good to have someone understand how I feel about eating.

On a more positive note, I decided I can use this blog to talk about my excitement about plus-size fashion. I hope that will also encourage my health. Today I went shopping and even though I love the fact that I can always find somethign that fits, I am still unhappy with my size. Fifty pounds ago I was proud of how I looked. Curvy, but happy. I'm even thinking about applying to my fave plus-size clothing store, Torrid, for a seaonal job this year.
Oh lord, then I'd have to fight with mall food...

It's hard to lose weight without a gun to your head

2009-08-25T02:27:00.001-07:00

It feels like I've been on a diet my whole life. In second grade when we learned about New Year's resolutions, mine was to go on a diet. I wanted the American Dream of looking perfect before I even had tits.
You wouldn't know it looking at me, because I am a fat girl. Five feet four inches, and an all time high weight of 248 pounds. Very nearly a quarter of a thousand pounds.
It feels like I've tried everything- personal trainers, nutrition classes, fad diets and herbal supplements, fasting, and even several very uncomfortable, unsuccessful attempts at becoming bulimic. Some of them worked- a little bit. But the most successful I've ever been at dieting had to be my second year of college- I was desperate for positive male attention. I still never got skinny, per se, or even to a desirable BMI, but I certainly got a boyfriend! Couple of 'em.
And then I got fat again. So goes my roller coaster of weight loss- always closely tied with my emotional state. Losing weight is like finding love, really. Your whole life you think you can achieve it one way. For every person who hasn't found love or their best way to lose weight, there is someone out there who has and will tell them their way is best.
"Oh, it's because you don't truly want it for yourself. "
"You have to believe it is out there."
"It won't happen until you are really ready."

I digress.

My boyfriend was diagnosed with type II diabetes just months after we started dating. Since then he has lost 50 (of almost 400) pounds. I've gained 30. He is probably the only man on earth who has genuinely told his woman to lose weight because he concerned for her health. I told him it's easier for guys to lose weight. He responded with something that really stuck with me. "I lost weight because I have a gun to my head."

I want to blog about my struggle with weight loss. I feel that after some weeks of posting excuse after excuse there must be point at which I will realize how pathetic I am, get over it, and start busting my ass.